Remarriage – Working on a Smooth Transition

Considerations Before Remarrying?

 

There are many steps that remarrying partners can take to help promote an easier transition for themselves and any children involved. First and foremost, partners need to educate and prepare themselves for the enormous changes ahead so that they can develop minimal and realistic expectations. In some cases, partners of older children asked their children for permission to remarry.. While this may not always be desirable or possible, including children in as much of the planning can be extremely positive.           

Waiting to remarry is good idea as well. Partners who marry sooner than 18 months after a divorce have not given their children enough time to adjust to all the changes associated with a divorce. To add remarriage on top of that too soon can cause increased difficulties. Partners need to be aware that children may take much longer to adapt to the stepfamily than the partners do. Research shows that children can take as long as 4 to 7 years to develop a positive relationship.

Age and gender can impact a child’s adjustment to remarriage. Children under 10 typically adjust easier than children ages 11 to 14. This age group has particular difficulty adjusting to remarriage. Older teens are typically focused outside the home more and are less interested in forming strong bonds with the stepparent and any new stepsiblings.

Boys often enjoy interactions with a stepfather, but girls are often uncomfortable with stepfathers, particularly with any demonstration of physical affection. Both boys and girls appreciate sincere kindness and verbal affection.

Remarriage

Facts About Remarriage

Current U.S. statistics reveal that 75% of divorced people eventually remarry. Of those remarriages, 65% involve children. To extend that, this means that 1 in 3 people now are members of a stepfamily.  At least one-third of all children under the age of 18 will spend some time living in a stepfamily by the time they reach age 18. Some researchers predict that at the current rate, stepfamilies may outnumber traditional families in the future.

Stepfamilies are inherently born out of loss. A tragic event has preceded the stepfamily’s formation through the death of a parent or through divorce. The wounds from this loss do not instantly heal, despite all the best intentions. Couples who plan to remarry should discard unrealistic notions of creating a traditional nuclear family (Hornik, 2001). However much research has been done in recent years that show that given time, many stepfamilies can function well together. Sadly over 60% of all remarriages end in divorce, so for the children involved, they may go through loss and adjustment repeatedly.

Family literature often points to resiliency as a key factor that helps families handle adversity. Resiliency acts as a protective factor when families face difficult situations, such as remarriage. Several factors have been found to contribute to resiliency in this context. They include family cohesion, routines, parental involvement, and shared family time.

 

Is your husband a sex addict?

If you are married to a sex addict, you may have developed certain behaviors and thought patterns. You may have let the sex addict’s behavior affect you. You may also be very focused on trying to manage or control his behaviors. If you continue to focus on your partner and his behaviors, you may develop certain characteristics: denial, preoccupation, enabling, rescuing, taking excessive responsibility, emotional turmoil, efforts to control, a compromise of self, anger, and sexual issues. You may be dealing with a few of these characteristics or the majority of them. Regardless, being in a relationship with a sex addict can cause major disruptions in your own life.

Many partners of sex addicts seek out individual therapy to help them learn ways to disentangle themselves from the web of their partner’s sex addiction. Many find additional support by attending a group designed specifically for partners of sex addicts.

Tuscaloosa Christian Counseling hosts a variety of support groups for male and female sex addicts, partners of male sex addicts, as well as teens who may be struggling with sexual addiction. Help is available. Please call us at (205) 752-7557 for more information. You don’t have to suffer alone.

 

This information was adapted from an excellent book, Mending a Shattered Heart, edited by Stephanie Carnes. It is available through the Tuscaloosa Christian Counseling website.

EMDR Therapy

EMDR – Is it right for you?

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment originally designed to alleviate distress associated with traumatic memories. For example someone who has been in a car wreck might find themselves remembering vivid details of the wreck. That image may replay over and over causing great distress. This is because when a person is very upset, the brain does not process information in the usual way. Disturbing images, thoughts, and sensations can get “locked” in the brain. This stored information can crop up at times, often unexpectedly, causing a high degree of disturbance. The lasting negative impact can interfere with how a person interacts with others as well as how they view themselves and the world. To continue our example of a car wreck victim, the victim might have developed an irrational belief that they are unsafe in cars. They might have great difficulty traveling in cars despite the negative affects on their life.

EMDR can have a direct impact on the way the brain processes information. Following EMDR therapy, many clients reprocess the disturbing images or thoughts in a way that reduces the level of disturbance. The person still remembers what happened, but the memories are less intense. In addition, the client may develop new insights and notice positive behavior changes.

Over 20 controlled scientific studies have established the effectiveness of EMDR. EMDR is a very effective treatment for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as well as associated anxiety. EMDR can also be effective in dealing with:
➢ Anxiety and panic attacks
➢ Grief
➢ Disturbing memories
➢ Phobias
➢ Pain disorders
➢ Performance anxiety
➢ Stress reduction
➢ Abuse
➢ Addictions

Your EMDR-trained therapist will complete a thorough assessment in order to understand the nature of the problem and to also decide if EMDR is an appropriate treatment. A typical EMDR session lasts from 60 to 90 minutes. EMDR is not a one-session therapy but clients are typically able to reprocess their issue in fewer sessions than with traditional talk therapy. EMDR can be used along with standard talk therapy, as a compliment to other treatments, or as a treatment all by itself.

I have used EMDR effectively with clients struggling with a variety of issues. EMDR may be able to provide you with the relief you have been searching for. I can perform an assessment to help you determine if EMDR might be helpful to you. To set up an appointment, please call (205) 752-7557 and ask for Susan Goertz.

Parenting Help!

I get many questions from clients regarding parenting. One of my favorite resources is Screamfree Parenting by Hal Runkel. Hal also has a great website where he posts answers to parent’s letters. Check out this great site as www.screamfree.com.